Holding the Weight of Desire
Noun 1. a strong feeling of wanting to have something or wishing for something to happen.
Last Valentine’s Day, I played a game with desire. I wrote my desires out and handed them to my partner. They ranged from laugh hysterically, take me out for Ethiopian food, surprise me with flowers and take me to Bali.
He fulfilled them one by one. He cooked me dinner, took me to my favorite restaurant and for a walk in the woods. I loved receiving each one, never knowing when, or if they would come.
I really wanted the perfume I loved and I had that anticipatory I know it’s coming but I don’t know when feeling. Over the next few months, conversations sounded like:
Him: I am working on your desire list. I want to get you your favorite perfume.
Me: Ohhhh! Thank you, love.
Him: (joyful and determined) Alright! I’m going to get it
Him: I’ve been looking in all the stores and cannot find that perfume you want.
Me: Thank you for looking. You can only order it online!
The Next Day:
Him: Damn, that perfume is expensive!
Me: (smiling) Yes it is.
Me: Thanks for looking babe.
And with each leg of the conversation, I released attachment to getting the perfume. He was having his own experience fulfilling my desire and I didn't get caught up in the how, when, or if, he would ever fulfill it. Time passed and he would bring it up every now and then. I kept attention on gratitude for him and my desire for the perfume, as opposed to my attention being on the perfume itself or on the attainment of it.
Pure Raw Desire.
I made it a game for myself. And then it became even more fun.
Months passed. And I was still joyful around my perfume desire. The game was working me well. The role of the feminine is to hold the weight of desire. So often in the past I haven’t owned my desires because of my own limiting beliefs and sense of worth.
Holding the weight of desire means not getting caught up in the very compelling trap of my thoughts that would shut down my desire. Thoughts such as: Maybe he’ll get busy or bored of looking? Maybe the perfume is too much money, or too much trouble to search online? He’s not going to get it for me. I should tell him forget it. My desire is too much. I really don’t need that perfume. These thoughts kill desire! They kill the opportunity for me to receive and for him to be a desire fulfilling king.
Holding the weight of desire asks me to sit in the truth of who I am and own to the world that I do have desires. It’s so personal and vulnerable. Desire is my compass and my fuel. It makes life sexy, playful and keeps me (and my man!) alive and alert. Desire is also confronting - it’s a strong destabilizing force; it can shift things on a dime. Attaining our desires changes our lives - it can shift where we live, whether we have children or not and what career we choose.
And then on my birthday 6 months later, my man handed me a beautifully wrapped box and I knew immediately what it was.
Six months of holding this desires joyfully. His smile was a mile wide. I felt giddy and grateful in the receiving.
Desire Research Lessons:
1. Write Desire Lists.
On my phone, on a pretty notepad, on giant paper to hang in my room, on a homemade card to my man - whatever turns me on. My desires are propelling me into the next version of myself. And that can be uncomfortable because there’s risk of change. When I learn to work with my mind to focus on the desire itself and not the fear around it, I trust my desires. Desire can be huge and life changing, like wanting to move across country, open a business or date someone new. These are hard desires to let out because they effect other people and that’s a lot to own. Other desires are light and joyful, like wanting a salt bath or a hot almond milk latte with cinnamon. When my desires are out, they can be fulfilled. And that is just plain fun.
2. Release Release Release
Let go of gripping, attachment and ultimatums. White knuckling kills desire. Not all desires manifest and there’s a really good reason for that. Did you know Milton Hershey had a ticket for the Titanic? Imagine if he got on that ship!? I trust that what wants to come to me will come to me and what’s ready to go will go. So I continually practice letting go and release attachment to how things look or to having any particular desire. Maybe something even better is on its way to me!
3. Stay in My Pleasure
Take care of myself. In order to play with desire, I eat well, exercise, push the limits of my mind, body and soul, lean on my girlfriends and do daily clearing practices to keep my mind free of fear. Leaning on my man for all of my needs zaps us both of energy and livelihood. I do my inner work and show up to him nourished, joyful and willing to share my desires. The masculine loves to fulfill desire and is blessed by the rich exciting ride of the feminine.
4. Express Gratitude
I thank my man for his curiosity about my desire and for his willingness to fulfill it, regardless of whether he does or does not. I recognize myself for owning my desire in the face of a million opportunities to let it go or get frustrated. Gratitude for what IS is the gateway to manifesting more of my desires.
Each desire I speak or manifest propels me into the most alive current version of myself. That is how I want to live - following the beat of who I am, what brings me deep joy and truly experiencing and loving life. Desire has me feel fully alive - it shapes me into the woman I am meant to be.